Tuesday, December 20, 2011

It's been a while...

I can't believe it's been over a year since I have posted. Time passes so fast! In the last 16 or so months some things have changed drastically and some none at all. The one thing that never changes is that I am blessed to surrounded by the love of my family and friends. Another thing that never changes is how much I miss Mom. Unfortunately, I still have the dreams about her being alive and just leaving because she didn't love me anymore. I know this comes from a mixture of how bad I feel for not being with her at the end and the fact that my last memories of her were that she was basically fine and yet I wake up to find she is gone. Going to her grave didn't really make a difference. Seeing her name on a piece of stone didn't mean anything. My grandmother's name had been on the double headstone she shared with my grandfather since his death before I was born. I had gotten a snow globe that let you put a picture in it so she would have something of me with her. Yes, it sounds stupid but I just needed to leave something with her. One of the most difficult things I have done is to watch the video of her funeral. It warmed my heart to see all the people who came to pay their respects. Seeing her in the casket was surreal. My brain says she is gone but my heart says she can't be gone.

Physically, I continue to prove Dr Glogau wrong as far as being in crippling pain. There are good and bad days but I try to keep a smile on my face and just work through it it. Each time I see him, he gives me the enjoy it now because it is going to get worse speech. My pelvis being being higher on the left side has caused bursitis in my right hip but that was resolved with just one cortisone injection. Surgery number7 to lengthen my Achilles tendon turned out to be a lot more involved that originally expected but Dr Desai is my hero! With the tendon lengthening and moving a couple of muscles, he changed my life! Gone are the days of being scared I would fall with every step. Now, I still have to be really careful, but I can live my life. That day in the wheelchair, when I decided to fight, I never thought I would get to this point! Physically I have blown away everyone's greatest hopes. Now I do face a new hurdle...I have 2 spots on my lungs. Since they were found when I had pneumonia, they couldn't tell what they were so I have to go back for more X-rays next month. After a month on a respirator, I think they are scar tissue. The drs say they could be infection, scar tissue, or a multitude up to cancer. Even though I have never smoked, I grew up around second hand smoke so I know cancer is definitely an option (especially since Mom had breast cancer and dad died of cancer). I am not discounting it but, getting all freaked over cancer when it could easily be nothing seems like a huge waste of time! I didn't get to this point by dwelling on the worst case scenario!

I want to end this post with a saying that is written on a necklace I never take off...My mother was the greatest gift to me. Patient and kind, she loved me unconditionally. She was all I could ever hope to be. May she rest in peace with you Lord for eternity.